I couldn t find any Gobbledok ads on YouTube, so I uploaded one myself.
Tell me that ad didn t terrify you as a kid. I always thought there was just one Gobbledok, but the voiceover implies that there are hundreds of them, everywhere, lurking behind couches across Australia!
I still won t touch Smith s products due to unpleasant Gobbledok associations. There was a life-size cardboard cutout of the Gobbledok in the spare room at my grandparents house. I had to sleep there.
Yyyyeaaahhh
Hey, remember Lites?! Whatever happened to them?
And Ruffles! Oh, my god, Ruffles! I need a life.
I know the Gobbledok is supposed to be cute, but he just looks like some bizarre hybrid of an Ewok and a Firey from Labyrinth (thanks to Laura for that spot-on comparison). He also reminds me of the creepy aliens from that early 90s Aussie kids show, The Miraculous Mellops. I m probably the only person who remembers that show, so I don t know why I m bothering to reference it.
WHO ATE THE LAST SCOTCH FINGER?!
It tears families apart.
I ve seen it.
Everyone has their favourite, and god help the family in which two or more members have the same favourite biscuit when mum brings home a pack of Arnott s Assorted.
In my house, the Shortbread Creams are always the first to go.
Then the Scotch Fingers. The Monte Carlos slowly dwindle, because they re everyone s secret, guilty pleasure. No-one will admit to liking them, but they ll always sneak one if they can.
They re so indulgent, so decadent. Even the name makes you feel like Gatsby.
I don t know why Arnott s added choc chip cookies to the Classic Assorted line-up, cos really- who the fuck knew that Arnott s even made choc chip cookies?
And to make matters worse, their official name is Farmbake Chocolate Chip Cookies , just to give them that sheep station, Banjo Patterson, cup-of-tea-with-grandma flavour.
I also hate that they gave Teddy Bear biscuits the arse from the Classic team. The Teddy Bears were like the team mascots.
It s a travesty, and I m seriously thinking of calling Today Tonight about it. Who s with me?!
Assorted Cream has a good lineup, apart from those goddamn Delta Creams and Kingstons. There s no sadder sight than a tray of Assorted Cream emptied of everything but the Kingstons and Delta Creams. Don t any of you dare tell me you actually like those things.
The only good thing about them is that when you re a kid the adults generally leave them untouched, so you get them all to yourself. Even if they suck; doesn t really matter to a greedy kid s undiscriminating palate.
There s not really any big difference between the Cream and Classic rosters.
I mean you might as well just get the Classic, cos you get the two best Creams anyway (Monte Carlo and Shortbread). You do have to take into account the Orange Slice, though. Everyone loves an Orange Slice.
They re just so tiny and cute and orange. Like a Nickelodeon Oreo.
So what s the Arnott s Assorted situation like at your house?
Forget it, let s just talk about James Sherry and What s Up Doc and K-Mart shoes and Peter Combe.
Remember these little suckers (hah!)?
I honestly didn t think they made em anymore, but no, I saw a box of them in K-Mart this morning.
I remember the freak on the wrapper being distinctly less creepy when I was a kid, though. I guess they ve changed since then.
What kid didn t enjoy annoying the fuck out of their parents trying to play Old MacDonald on a Melody Pop?
I always thought the concept of a lollipop you could bust out a tune on was pretty cool. Too bad I never had any musical talent, though.
I could never make the axe sing. Oh well, at least they tasted good. Strawberry!
The stick was kind of useless after you d eaten the whistle-shaped candy part, but I used to keep them anyway. They made good extendable weapons for action figures. Oh, what s that Skeletor?
You think my staff is a little short? Well check THIS OUT!
Why do we have Red Rooster?
No-one ever eats there.
Never have I heard this conversation: What about McDonald s? KFC?
Pizza, could you eat pizza? Hey, how about Red Rooster? No-one.
Ever. Eats there.
Red Rooster is to fast food what Harris Scarfe is to department stores.
Completely useless, past its use-by date an anachronism. I don t understand why either of these chains still exist.
I ve been to Red Rooster once in my life, and it wasn t even for the food.
When came out (in 1990), Red Rooster had a promotion with little bendy plastic figurines of the main characters. I was obsessed with the movie, and I really wanted the figure of Wilbur the Albatross. I got it, of course, cos I was a manipulative, greedy little shit.
The only thing I know about Red Rooster s food is that they put pineapple slices on everything. Chicken? Chuck a pineapple slice on it.
Potatos and gravy? Pineapple slice.
I m sorry if it seems like I m just randomly venting at this fast food chain that has never harmed me in any way.
It s just that I was reading a list of the stores that are opening up in the new shopping centre that s being built in Leopold (Gateway Plaza I guess because Leopold is the gateway to the Bellarine Peninsula or something), and Red Rooster was on the list.
I ll be honest, I was pissed. Rumour had it that we were getting a Hungry Jack s.
You d be pissed too if you were led to believe your neighbourhood was getting some Hungry Jack s action, and then you found out that no, you re getting a fucking Red Rooster.
Even kids know Red Rooster is bullshit. I was in the Bourke Street Mall a few weeks ago (and can corroborate this story ) wasting time in that downstairs McDonald s while waiting for a train.
Now, there s a Red Rooster down there too, and as I was leaving, heading up the stairs I heard this kid coming down say to his mum No mum, that s RED ROOSTER! This kid seriously thought his mum was trying to pull a fast one on him, promising a Happy Meal but instead delivering whatever half-assed Kid s Pack they have at Red Rooster. (I m sure there s pineapple involved, whatever it is.
)
Another snippet of conversation you ll never hear: What, Red Rooster again? You had that last night!
The Milky Way Banana Whip has been out for a while, but I never got around to reviewing it because, let s face it, when you buy a Milky Way there s no way that fucker gets home alive.
Hell, if I ever impulse-buy one I usually inhale it before I even get back to the car.
But anyway, through some awesome feat of will power I managed to bring one home today for review. Here tis:
I haven t seen any advertising for the Milky Way Banana Whip, so it must be one of those things that the foodglomerates just throw into the marketplace and hope for the best.
Another lost opportunity for monkey marketing
The Banana Whip inside the chocolate is strikingly reminiscent of yellow snow, which isn t too appetising
Still, it tastes pretty good. Almost like a mixed-up mouthful of those banana lollies that you d NEVER get enough of in your 50c bag of mixed lollies, and those little chocolate buddies that you d always get TOO MANY of. Oh, how I hated those chocolate buddies.
If the first Secret Wars series was notable for just one thing (the debut of Spidey s black costume), then Secret Wars II should have its own big drawcard, right? Some might say that it s the fact the series spawned one of the in the history of comics, but for me it s the debut of the world s only CCCP-approved superhero, Thundersword!
For those who came in late, the story of Secret Wars II is basically that this all-powerful entity from beyond our universe (The Beyonder) has manifested himself in a human avatar on Earth to learn all about our quaint little ways.
In his innocence/stupidity, he gets into all manner of hijinks, and one of his first acts is to bestow superpowers upon a hack writer of Saturday morning superhero cartoons who, like all Hollywood writers, is secretly a dirty commie.
With his newfound powers, Thundersword goes on a rampage at a McDonald s Family Restaurant (or its Marvel doppelganger, McBurger, which appeared in a few issues in the 80s but has unfortunately fallen out of use) spewing all kinds of anti-Ronald rhetoric:
(From Secret Wars II #1, July 1985, Jim Shooter Al Milgrom)
I must admit to laughing out loud at the you deserve a break today line. Way to appropriate bourgeois tools like advertising jingles for the use of the Proletariat!
Of course, if this were published today, Thundersword would have to shout I m lovin it! as he tore apart a McDonald s restaurant. Still wouldn t be as funny as , though.
I should probably make a joke about Thundersword s being a superhero and the title of Super Size Me, but I can t be bothered. Just pretend I did.
P.
S. Secret Wars was notable for more than Spidey s costume, being a milestone in mainstream comics publishing history and all. I was just being flippant.
There ve been a lot of new limited edition M M s colours in the last couple of years, but this is the first to have an actual purpose other than dirty moneymaking. Mars has jumped on the make food products disgustingly pink for breast cancer fundraising bandwagon, along with Masterfoods tomato sauce and Mount Franklin bottled water (among others).
Don t get me wrong; I support breast cancer.
I mean the fight against it. Not the disease itself. I just don t wanna see pink ketchup.
That s gross.
That sultry siren Miss Green is on the bag, declaring I m a lover and a fighter! You go, girl!
The pinkness has been diluted by the inclusion of white M M s. I guess Mars realised it would be too weird to have an entire bag of pink M M s.
Okay, I ve done my bit.
Now the existence of pink M M s is confirmed for posterity. Maybe this blog entry will settle a stupid argument about M M colours in 20 years.
McDonalds latest attempt to pretend that they re concerned about kids health and well-being is the Music Happy Meal , which comes with a little iPod-looking thing called a music stick containing 30-second song clips.
When I heard about this, I just expected a bunch of crappy pop songs by the likes of Kelly Clarkson and Ashlee Simpson, but I was surprised and awe-struck to find that one of the songs available is the 1994 smash hit I Like To Move It by Reel 2 Real.
It s good to see that they re introducing kids to the classics. They re only missing Boom Boom Boom by The Outhere Bros, and Whoomp!
There It Is! by Tag Team. I can actually see why they used I Like To Move It , cos it was featured in that movie Madagascar last year, but one of the other music sticks inexplicably contains Lou Bega s Mambo No.
5 (a song I d hoped never to have to hear again).
The music sticks themselves are pretty cool for Happy Meal toys. They re fairly loud, and come with a clip so self-loathers can proudly display them on their belts and walk around getting beaten up.
I do like the idea of being able to blast I Like To Move It from my hip at any time, though. If anyone gives me any guff throughout the day, I can just push the button and give them a dose of Reel 2 Real.
McDonald s and dancing, historically, have not gone well together.
Anyone who s seen the 1988 E.T. rip-off Mac and Me will know what I m talking about.
The movie features a bizarre 10 minute breakdance contest scene in a McDonald s store, all while a group of men in black chase down the little alien who needs to drink Coke (not just any soda, only Coke) to live. I will review Mac and Me for Retro Junk someday, and it will be the best thing ever written.
Since I can t dance, here s Spider-Man to show you how it s done
(That s his ride in the background.
One does have to represent, after all. Spidey rolls with Barbie dolls.)
My rule of thumb for Christmas products is: the tackier, the better.
I love going into The Reject Shop and other dodgy discount establishments around this time of year and marvelling at all the crappy stuff they re trying to hock.
Stuff like this, for example:
I think I just about fell in love when I found this in Go-Lo yesterday. A big ol plastic Santa head full of lollipops.
It s just right on some cosmic level.
Bizarre.
The lollipops are just standard clumps of sugar on a stick, in Christmas colours, but let s face it anyone who buys this is not buying it for the lollies, but for the awesome kitsch value of having a giant fucking Olmec Santa head to put on their mantlepiece.
Tasty.
Also at Go-Lo, I came across the famed Projector Pop .
These were out last Christmas, but I wasn t blogging then so I had no need to waste my hard-earned cash on dumb novelty items.
I was always pretty obsessed with light-up toys as a kid, probably because of the Macaulay-Calkin-In-Michael-Jackson s-Black-Or-White rebellious aspect of being able to continue playing well into the night, even after your parents have ordered you to turn your light off. I guess it also comes from the fact that I was terrified of the nighttime, and having stuff that cast beams of light across my room felt like some kind of talisman against things that go bump.
That s the shape that they reckon this little contraption will cast.
There was also a Santa Claus and a flying sleigh, but I chose the snowman as the character I d most like to make dance across my living room wall at night.
I was a bit skeptical of the projector pop s claim to be able to shine 10 feet . Yeah, right, just like the Super Soaker can shoot 50 feet.
Cut five hours to that night, though, cos you know the night time (night and day!) is the right time for conjuring luminous snowmen up on your walls. (I d apologise to the memory of Ray Charles, but I don t think Mr.
Diet Pepsi Uh-Huh Uh-Huh You Got The Right One Baby would mind.)
That s from about six feet away, and the snowman was about one or two feet high. Even from about ten, twelve feet he s pretty visible.
The photo can t really do it justice, it really does look great. (I should note here that my camera doesn t like autofocusing in the murky blackness of night, so I had to manually focus it while keeping the snowman up on the wall. I had to put the projector pop in my mouth and depress the button with my teeth, all the while fiddling with my camera for good focus.
The things I do for this blog! I ll be jumping out of a fucking plane on a skateboard next.)
All told, the projector pop is pretty good value for $2.
50. The lollipop part is watermelon flavour, which is kind of icky but strangely addictive. Once you lick it, you can t kick it.
The awesomeness of being able to turn your house into some kind of Victorian-era magic lantern show cannot be overstated. I think I m gonna go buy the other two projectors so I can re-enact Frosty The Snowman on my bedroom ceiling. But in my version, Frosty will never melt *sniff, sniff*.
Oh, and as a bonus, here s the Jackson 5 s rendition of Frosty The Snowman , from their Christmas album. Don t say I never give youse kids nothin :
One thing you can always rely on at Christmas (other than Uncle Steve having a little too much holiday cheer and proceeding to tell every family member exactly what he thinks of them) is the big consumer products corporations cashing in on the season by plastering their wares with Christmas colours and imagery. The Mars Corporation is just about the most soulless of them all when it comes to stuff like this, right up there with Coca-Cola and McDonald s.
Mars has always been pretty hip to the Christmas thang, bringing out M M character ornaments and those big ol buckets of M Ms, but it wasn t until last year that they actually made a Christmas-themed M M proper. I remember seeing them in the supermarket and praising the Lo d Jesus. I actually took a couple of bags of them to my family Christmas dinner, in lieu of any constructive contribution.
Other people bring potato salad or legs of ham; ol Danny Boy brings M Ms.
Last year s Christmas M Ms were just regular red and green M Ms repackaged in a grudgingly holidayish bag. It d be funny if someone with too much time on their hands found a marked decline in the number of red and green M Ms in regular bags during the year.
Funny and hatred-for-mankind-inducing.
The bag is actually pretty pimped out this year, with an actual character appearance. I do have to disagree with the tagline, Christmas is better in colour , though.
I think you ll find the original Miracle on 34th Street is a superior film to the 90 s remake. John Attenborough is awesome, sure, but his effect is negated by the presence of that annoying little bitch from Matilda.
The whole affair is complicated by the fact that earlier this year, the sexy green M M character was introduced to promote the limited edition mint flavour M Ms.
Obviously then, putting red and green M Ms together, alone, is not so innocent any more. Mars has addressed this; just check out Red s Christmas list:
Red s lookin pretty happy with himself, but that sultry temptress is having none of it. She s all talk to the hand .
Incidentally, is it wrong to be attracted to Miss Green? Those boots do things to me. I haven t seen a circular character this sexy since Ms.
Pac-Man.
Also this time around, the good folks at Mars have actually gone to a little more effort, and emblazoned the red and green pellets with various Christmas images. As you can see from the photo below, there s candy canes, stars, holly, snowmen, pine trees, and presents.
I guess that provides about twenty-five seconds of added enjoyment before you scarf them by the handful. If you re really bored on Christmas Eve, you could always try arranging them into larger mosaics of more Christmas symbols
That s a tree. A TREE!
Not an arrow! The red ones are ornaments! I hate you.
I can t really think of anything else to write about this product, so I ll defer to a panel of experts:
A ringing endorsement. Thanks, Velociraptor from Jurassic Park!
What do you think, Christmas Troll?
Yes sirree, there s magic in the air this Christmas.
And now, a very special message from Spider-Man.
Wise words.
Wiiiise words.
All in all, the Christmas M Ms are pretty good. The packaging is fun, and the decorations on the candies themselves are cute.
It s pretty disappointing that they didn t bring in some new colours, though. White would be good, to complete the trinity of Christmas colours. They already have white M Ms in the mint flavour packages, so it s not exactly as if they d have to hire a team of food scientists to come up with a whole new formulation.
But they could get those guys to make up some shiny silver and gold M Ms for next year. Do it, Mars. Make 2007 the year of the silver and gold M M!
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