"Cleaning Paul Daniels' toilet, this must be some kind of penance for a sin I committed in a past life," said Vanessa Feltz, brush in hand, on Celebrity Wife Swap. Well, the sin of losing your chat show and being desperate to get back on telly, I suppose. Swapping partners with The Lovely Debbie McGee (her official title) meant another round of exposure for all three of their familiar reality show personas.
Oh, and Vanessa's man, too, of course. While Paul and The Lovely Debbie have been married for 18 years, Vanessa and Ben can boast four whole months together. Ben had a hit record in 1999 and in case you didn't remember it he kept blasting out the chorus at every opportunity.
Paul's boring life freaked out Vanessa; he thinks she's a bit desperate to stay young. The Lovely Debbie patronised Ben and his "career"; she now, in-between making Paul's tea, apparently, runs a modelling agency. Last time she was on one of these shows, with Louis Theroux, wasn't it a ballet company?
Presumably next she'll be on *The Apprentice managing a café.
And speaking of Louis, how's he doing? Well, he's going to hell.
He'll be joining Princess Diana, Billy Graham, Desmond Tutu and Liz Taylor there. And, actually, all of us too, since the only people going to heaven are the members of the Westboro Baptist Church of Kansas, **The Most Hated Family In America, most of whom are relatives of Pastor Fred Phelps.
When they weren't delighting in the fact that he was going to burn, the family were pretty friendly to Louis, because no one can be mad at his little puppy face.
Not so kind to the relatives of dead soldiers, though, whose funerals they picket with signs declaring their righteous joy in the deaths. They believe, in a twisted parody of just about everything Jesus ever said, that God is hate: hatred of "fags", particularly; of America for "tolerating" them; and then of all those who don't spend their time holding up provocative placards that read "God is America's Terrorist". Their protests include confused small children, paraded and sent to spread the message they don't understand, growing up isolated and attacked.
Theroux really had found the ultimate in weirdness for his latest documentary - they're so beyond the point of reason, into a self-perpetuating psychosis, that no matter how he tried, he couldn't challenge their beamingly-delivered pronouncements, or trip them up. But he did manage to show them as human beings (more than the courtesy they extend to us sinners).
No point asking what the Westboro Baptists think of the Pussycat Dolls: hell-bound.
Till then, they're filling the time by searching for a new recruit who "most embodies what it is to *truly be a Pussycat Doll". And what is that? Well, said aspiring dolly Brittany in **The Search For The Next Doll: "They're all about female empowerment".
Added Natascha: "I think they've had a large influence on my generation". What a scary thought.
Here they'd inspired a bunch of squeaky, bitchy ("I want all those people [who didn't believe in me] to just feel so awful when I make it!
"), whiny ("Because of the loss of my parents [19 years ago] I'm not really confident about singing"), vacuous girls to strut their stuff "sexily" while wearing small amounts of clothes.
No doubt sent by God, a virus struck half of them down before the big audition to make the final nine contenders. Their vomit was lovingly shown in sexy close-up, but the ones who struggled on and got through were rewarded with pink feather boas.
Doncha wish your girlfriend was hot like them? Doncha?
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