Twain also limited his observations to men and left women completely out of his calculations. While one can say that men are men, and women are women, and never the Twain shall meet, the question remains if clothes make the man, what makes the woman?
For that, you have to differentiate between sex and gender.
I remember a conference I once attended on women's issues. After a few days, the participants, almost entirely female, got picky to the point of personal. One of my colleagues whispered to me what she thought the problem was.
"Tony," she said, "too much gender and not enough sex." In light of the new knowledge I have, it might have been an issue of clothing as well, or what is now called "wardrobe".
In my day, a "wardrobe" was a large, wooden item of furniture in which clothes were stored.
Now, the word refers to the garments whether singly or in ensemble. A "wardrobe malfunction" was used to describe Janet Jackson's display of one of her mammary glands at the Super Bowl. One station that had been fined for showing the incident announced its intention to boycott the next Presidential Address by George W.
Bush on the grounds that, "We already got in trouble once for showing a big boob on our station. Why do it again?"
A dress, whether presidential or not, has power hitherto unheard of.
According to a Reuters report, a recent poll by Unilever, the retail giant, has found that "women on average say they would be willing to give up sex for 15 months for a closet full of new apparel, with two per cent ready to abstain from sex for three years in exchange for new duds, according to a new survey of about 1 000 women in ten United States cities".
Sex might be one damp thing after another but to defer it for new apparel contradicts the conventional wisdom. Men always believe that they know Victoria's Secret.
As far as they are concerned, it is no secret that after the wardrobe comes the bedroom. As one man replied when his loved one asked him if he would like to see her in the new neglig e e he had just given her: "Nothing would please me better."
That's a man's view.
A woman's view, according to Unilever, is that she would prefer to give up sex for a month than lose her favourite article of clothing. Women are really uptight about their clothes.
A rich couple was going out for the evening and the lady of the house gave James, the butler, the rest of the night off.
She said that she and her husband would be home very late and Sheldon should enjoy the rest of evening. Unfortunately, the lady did not enjoy the party, had the chauffeur drop her home, and then walked up to her bedroom and called the butler. Locking the door, she said: "James, take off my dress.
" He did it carefully.
Then she demanded: "Take off my stockings and garter." He duly complied.
"Remove my underwear," she commanded. He did.
Then she looked him straight in the eye and said, "And if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you'll be fired.
"
It is not just possessiveness. The Unilever study "also suggested that clothes often wear better than relationships. The average woman between 18 and 54 years of age has hung on to her favourite article of clothing for 12 and a half years, a year longer than she's held on to her longest relationship.
"
Part of the reason men don't do that is because they can't. My wife continues to throw out any of my boxers or vests just at the point where they are most comfortable.
"You can't sleep in that!
" she exclaims, in spite of my protestations that "nobody eh go see me." As soon as a pair of socks or underwear reaches the Tiger Woods stage (it has a hole in one), out it goes. But they hang on to theirs as if they were spun by Rumpelstiltskin himself.
Even in first impressions, men run second. The study found that about 70 per cent of women or almost three-quarters said that when it came to choosing the perfect item of clothing they believed in love at first sight. However, only 54 per cent had the same level of confidence in man-spotting.
What about love at first bite? According to comic Brian Mc Kim: "If you're drunk enough, and your teeth are sharp enough, all underwear is edible."
Then there is the trust factor.
Nearly half the women in the survey, or about 48 per cent, said their favourite article of clothing was more reliable than their man in giving them confidence and making them feel sexy.
The only bit of consolation for men in this sobering drama of humiliation where women and their wardrobes are concerned, comes from a woman, comedian Rita Rudner. Her view is: "Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front.
Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed." Or undressed as the case may be.
*Tony Deyal was last seen at Unilever's shopping for his wife and saying that he understands now why Bill Clinton keeps giving Hilary all those new clothes.
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